Friday, January 21, 2005
Why does it happen like this...
that someone you like may not like you as much. Or even if someone you like does like you, but things go haywire over a something. My flatmate had sometime ago, on our post-prandial walks said this:
It is so difficult to find someone whom you like and likes you. But more difficult than that is to get everything to fall in place after that.
Well, up until now, I've been propositioned by so many guys, and believe me, I have not connected with any of them. And this despite that I was married once. Till now, there have been only two of them with whom I connected and they connected with me. One of them was too early after my fallout with my ex-husband and so, though I liked him quite much, I was scared to get into a committment with him. He got married and broke off his any sort of relations with me, his wife being a little more than insecure.
The second guy whom I connected with, I still feel the connection probably he does too. But there has been a showdown between us over a guy whom I had sex with. He wanted me to break off all connections with the guy, while I was ready to stop having sex with the guy. After a few days of silence, he started chatting with me again and I thought he was okay with the compromise that I had suggested, but apparently not as I learnt later. However, he never communicated this with me and I was left in the lurch because, his insecurity ballooned out of proportion and he couldn't handle it and neither communicate it with me.
In the past year, I've been propositioned by 4 guys.
One of them started off with kissing me. I didn't like it at all and conveyed as much to him. However like all guys, he refused to understand even when I had explicitly mentioned to him, that I was not interested in being wooed or courted by him.
The second idiot I met, was at a friend's place. Can you imagine a 37-yr old falling in love at first sight? Well, he did and again, despite all my heedings and pleadings refused to understand that I was not interested in anything more than a friendship. So, like always, he was offended when I made a very straightforward comment . I told him, I did not wish to spend every waking moment of my time with him and I guess, he being a little more sensitive than others, was offended. Well, so-be-it, for believe me, I wasn't happy about being pursued like this either.
The 3rd guy, well, I don't know since when, he's being trying to date me. He actually explicitly asked me despite being well aware of my answer. Earlier, when I sensed it, I've been avoiding him all the time. That brings me to a comment made by one of my girlfriends. She said, that maybe you give out the signals. Well, to her I would like to say, yes ma'am I do send out the signals, but only to guys whom I am interested in, the others I avoid them like plague. So, this 3rd guy, wants to spend time, is quite interesting, but I do not find him attractive. And I guess, there are a few things which are common between us, but I just know that even a small-time thing between us is not going to work, because, I don't think, I shall ever find myself feeling anything for him. He still persists and wants to know the reason why I have turned him down. Well, do I have an answer that I can give him, without offending him - NO, so I just say I don't know.
The 4th was a guy, whom two of my girlfriends had met, before I met him, and I met him purely on a professional level. I needed to do some money transactions and I got it done through his bank. In his case too, I sensed more than a professional interest, and so I did avoid meeting him as well. The only time, I would call was to talk about work and he would crib about it. But I didn't budge. Finally on New Year's day, he who sings well, organized a get-together and after that, he instead of driving me to his place where my car was parked, took away off on a long drive with not so noble intentions. What was I supposed to do? When he actually asked to kiss me, I did refuse, but it happened and initially though, I protested, I(?), my body responded and I did make out with him, not as in all the way, but yes, I did like the encounter. The next day, I did spend a lot of time telling him, that I didn't want to go out with him.
What do I really want, well to, be very frank I want Raj (either Rajeev or Rajnikant). Because, I wanted them and they wanted me as well. Rajni is not possible though, because he's married. What about Raj, well, I really don't know. He and me connect so well, that we can sit and chat for hours together. But, I shall only let time and him decide what he wants to do. I have done my share of communication with him. The ball is entirely in his court, whether he wants to play it or toss it, I don't know. I though, shall wait for him only till the mid of next month, which is about from today 20 days away. If he does come back and I do pray that he does, because, I love him so much and I am an idiot to do so.
But, can I really help it? I don't think so, because, I was in love after a long long time. The decisions of the heart are always taken by the head. That is what holds true in my case. Inherently, I am a very emotional person and most of my decisions are taken by the heart than the head.
So, with a prayer that Rajeev finds it in him to put the past behind him and start afresh, I end this not so small a note.
It is so difficult to find someone whom you like and likes you. But more difficult than that is to get everything to fall in place after that.
Well, up until now, I've been propositioned by so many guys, and believe me, I have not connected with any of them. And this despite that I was married once. Till now, there have been only two of them with whom I connected and they connected with me. One of them was too early after my fallout with my ex-husband and so, though I liked him quite much, I was scared to get into a committment with him. He got married and broke off his any sort of relations with me, his wife being a little more than insecure.
The second guy whom I connected with, I still feel the connection probably he does too. But there has been a showdown between us over a guy whom I had sex with. He wanted me to break off all connections with the guy, while I was ready to stop having sex with the guy. After a few days of silence, he started chatting with me again and I thought he was okay with the compromise that I had suggested, but apparently not as I learnt later. However, he never communicated this with me and I was left in the lurch because, his insecurity ballooned out of proportion and he couldn't handle it and neither communicate it with me.
In the past year, I've been propositioned by 4 guys.
One of them started off with kissing me. I didn't like it at all and conveyed as much to him. However like all guys, he refused to understand even when I had explicitly mentioned to him, that I was not interested in being wooed or courted by him.
The second idiot I met, was at a friend's place. Can you imagine a 37-yr old falling in love at first sight? Well, he did and again, despite all my heedings and pleadings refused to understand that I was not interested in anything more than a friendship. So, like always, he was offended when I made a very straightforward comment . I told him, I did not wish to spend every waking moment of my time with him and I guess, he being a little more sensitive than others, was offended. Well, so-be-it, for believe me, I wasn't happy about being pursued like this either.
The 3rd guy, well, I don't know since when, he's being trying to date me. He actually explicitly asked me despite being well aware of my answer. Earlier, when I sensed it, I've been avoiding him all the time. That brings me to a comment made by one of my girlfriends. She said, that maybe you give out the signals. Well, to her I would like to say, yes ma'am I do send out the signals, but only to guys whom I am interested in, the others I avoid them like plague. So, this 3rd guy, wants to spend time, is quite interesting, but I do not find him attractive. And I guess, there are a few things which are common between us, but I just know that even a small-time thing between us is not going to work, because, I don't think, I shall ever find myself feeling anything for him. He still persists and wants to know the reason why I have turned him down. Well, do I have an answer that I can give him, without offending him - NO, so I just say I don't know.
The 4th was a guy, whom two of my girlfriends had met, before I met him, and I met him purely on a professional level. I needed to do some money transactions and I got it done through his bank. In his case too, I sensed more than a professional interest, and so I did avoid meeting him as well. The only time, I would call was to talk about work and he would crib about it. But I didn't budge. Finally on New Year's day, he who sings well, organized a get-together and after that, he instead of driving me to his place where my car was parked, took away off on a long drive with not so noble intentions. What was I supposed to do? When he actually asked to kiss me, I did refuse, but it happened and initially though, I protested, I(?), my body responded and I did make out with him, not as in all the way, but yes, I did like the encounter. The next day, I did spend a lot of time telling him, that I didn't want to go out with him.
What do I really want, well to, be very frank I want Raj (either Rajeev or Rajnikant). Because, I wanted them and they wanted me as well. Rajni is not possible though, because he's married. What about Raj, well, I really don't know. He and me connect so well, that we can sit and chat for hours together. But, I shall only let time and him decide what he wants to do. I have done my share of communication with him. The ball is entirely in his court, whether he wants to play it or toss it, I don't know. I though, shall wait for him only till the mid of next month, which is about from today 20 days away. If he does come back and I do pray that he does, because, I love him so much and I am an idiot to do so.
But, can I really help it? I don't think so, because, I was in love after a long long time. The decisions of the heart are always taken by the head. That is what holds true in my case. Inherently, I am a very emotional person and most of my decisions are taken by the heart than the head.
So, with a prayer that Rajeev finds it in him to put the past behind him and start afresh, I end this not so small a note.
# posted by ryma @ 5:58 AM 
